My birthday!

Today I'm 52.  I don't feel old I feel like I am just beginning to really do the things I was born to do.  

I get the day off today, in fact I get the week off, I'm riding with my hubby to Yellowstone national park on our BMW GS 1200 moto.   What a great ride, sunny warm skies!

World cafe

we put on a world cafe last night, that's where you have questions and rotate groups to brainstorm ideas, such fun. We had a meeting about how to create a conscious wellness community on our small island and what would that look like. Fabulous brainstorming. 

 Of course consciousness starts with each individual. I am always fascinated at how everything really does come back to us on an individual level, we can't hope to create consciousness in our community until we have first understood what it truly means to be conscious?

It reminds me of the holy grail, what was that all about anyway? To me it represents the secrets frozen in our history.  Totally misunderstood.  I have come to understand that the secret that lies in the holy grail is "unconditional love".  If you look or read about anyone who has had an awakening it all points to this one thing.  It makes we wonder whether in fact any of this is real, are we in fact in a illusion of humanity. Imagine if you thought for a moment that you were the only person in the world, how differently would you navigate your life? Would you ever have a need for the wounded ego, I doubt it. What would be the point! There would be no need to protect yourself! This is the job of the wounded ego after all.

So if that's true why not start living from as if it is true. Start by always speaking your truth but the key is with compassion, the war on fighting to be you is over! You just get to be you.

A safe harbour to heal

I invited a channeler to come to my house so that I may gain some further wisdom, understanding about life! Why I'm here! As I sat and listened it all made total sense to me what I was hearing. Then I got to ask her a question, so I asked, "with all my choices for consciousness teaching where should i focus?" I have work still to do is what they told me, I have two blocks still to untwine, one was " a belief in that I'm not supported" another was " a fear of money". Or rather a misunderstanding of success where it relates to money, ie more money more success and that is simply not true. this is a narrow view of success.

As far as the feeling of not supported you see I was having trouble with my apple technology and every time I asked for help it just made me feel stupid! I wondered where this belief came from? Why couldn't I retain what people told me? As I asked the questions for clarity the more stupid I felt, I wondered where was this shame coming from, what was really happening? It came to me, the more I asked for help and didn't understand the more my partner felt like it was his fault, he raised his voice thinking it would help but I didn't see it that way? It shut me down, making me retreat, ie not safe.

I gained some clarity around this, you see my father used to tell my mother she was stupid, he always said stupid women to her, he would raise his voice, I didn't like it. So guess what I developed this fear of asking for help too, I didn't want to be yelled at, I didn't want to feel stupid? Bullied.

I was a computer analyst, I know this stuff, what is the matter with me?  Why can't I retain this information? As I sat in the process of flushing myself out I observed where this wound came from. My daughter was there she was able to hold the space for healing, my safe harbour, once my partner realized that I wasn't blaming him he too was able to hold the space for me. I knew I needed to expose myself, I needed to flush myself out. I was done with this wound. I really believe if I hadn't had the channeler this day I wouldn't have been so determined to expose myself.

You see we are generally afraid of our wounds, believing that someone else is causing them.  In truth it's our choice not to heal them. We are afraid, we are afraid of our emotions. My hope is that one day we will understand that how we act is not who we are, we act from our conditioning, our wounds.  How we want to live is from our truths, once we flush out all our wounds we can begin to really live!

Alzheimer's + a New Year

Hmmm, tough day. My Mother in law went into a care facility today. We have had her staying with us for the last 5 days and before that the family has had her for 4 weeks wondering what to do next, its all such a difficult time, knowing what is best. As I went to sleep last night I thought wow how great it is that she has been able to be with her family, its been hard because those of you who have anyone suffering from dementia know its not all easy, what a lovely thing for her family to do for her. Watching the duality of a human being especially one so close to you is hard. Trying to understand where their minds are travelling at this difficult time in their lives. Fear of so many things.

It made me think about myself and all of us that in fact we all have this duality within us, is Alzheimer's really just the Jekyll in us, having lost the filters of our conditioning and all our fears and frustrations just coming out into the open. Thats what Ive witnessed, fear, fear of loss of those you love, fear of loss of control over ourselves, fear. How does one navigate this stage of our lives with peace and love and how do we help those we love navigate it from a detached loving place.

We are coming into a new year 2014. This is the time to cut the strings of your balloons you are holding onto with so many stories of old in them that no longer serve you. All the hurts, the sadness and the conditioning, the old beliefs. Cut the strings of those stories and make 2014 your own stories of your own inner truth, don't be held prisoners of your past, don't wait till you are old before surrendering to life and what it has to offer you. Don't wait a minute more, forgive those who have hurt you, forgive yourself for what you believed you have done to cause yourself or others harm, make a deal with yourself to make 2014 the year of loving and not needing to have a story of anything else, let go of the need to balance your wounds of your life. Just agree to let go and you will see 2014 will bring you new beginnings.

Happy New Year everyone.

Confessions of a Peacekeeper

Avoiding conflict because of a fear to speak your truth will not lead to peace! You need to find out what you are afraid of. FEAR! It took me years to understand that I had anxiety. If asked if I’d ever suffered from anxiety, I would reply no. It wasn’t until I went on my journey into awareness of myself that I discovered my body manifested hypoglycemia when I was anxious! I realized that each time I had a hypoglycemic attack it was preceded by the “fear” emotion. I’d had a thought that generated fear and that released chemicals into my body then causing me to need “a solution” to my supposedly condition which I was told was hypoglycemia but in actual fact was anxiety that caused hypoglycemia. I discovered this while travelling through Israel in the middle of the desert. We were on our motorcycle and the darkness was engulfing us as we tried to cross the desert border from Israel into Jordan and was turned away. I had not had any hypoglycemia attacks in the 14months we were away and then suddenly I had one. As I sat on the back of our bike while we rode another hour to the next border crossing, I realised I was anxious and I knew what my body needed to “feel better”. As I couldn’t get sugar, coffee etc. Some food fix, I was left with this feeling and I asked myself why am I feeling this way? The answer was,’ because you are afraid.’ It was true. I didn’t like being on the Israeli Jordanian border in the dark of the night and this put me into fear. I realised that this was true my whole life. That in fact hypoglycemia was caused because of my fears. It was a physical manifestation of an emotional reaction. My fears created the chemical reaction in my body – if I could find out what I was afraid of then I could heal my body. Everything we think becomes a physical reaction within our bodies; this is why consciousness is so important. I had to find out what I was afraid of in my life and why? Without the awareness of our own behaviours and the understanding of why we act and react the way we do, we may think we are being peacekeepers when in actual fact we may be doing more harm than good! I believed I knew myself and I was consciously aware of my actions. I spent a lot of time analyzing and making sure that I did things for a peaceful resolution only to find out that how I had been acting was out of fear and not love most of the time. It is said that only 15% of the population of the world are truly acting from this critical conscious level of ‘Love.’ I believe when more of us step into this level of consciousness the world will begin to shift to a more peaceful place. So how do we do that? I had to learn that there is intimacy in conflict. It is in the fearlessness to speak your truth but with compassion that will bring about peace. This is key “COMPASSION” that is what has been missing in our communication with others. Compassion transforms conflict into peaceful communication. Are you aware of how you communicate? Sitting at my home computer I heard a very strong voice come from my body, it surprised me. We are all familiar with the mind chatter, voices in our heads! But the truth is, this time it didn’t feel like mine. At the time this happened I was watching a segment with Oprah and Eckhart Tolle. One of the ten part series Oprah did on Ekharts book – A New Earth. Looking back I can see that I was being held in a different space and time while watching this on my computer. I had shifted from the awareness of my house and the room I was in, into being with Oprah and Eckhart in that moment; I was present with them, locked in a time capsule. My husband walked into the doorway of our office and asked me a question, I don’t remember the question but I remember the voice in which I answered him with. It was strong and powerful. I was aware of him standing in the doorway still shocked at how I had answered him but for some reason it didn’t have any effect on me, I was caught up in this voice that spoke from my lips but didn’t feel like mine. This is when I knew I was in a portal, a gap between the worlds; some refer to it as Divine consciousness or Universal truth. In this state I was able to ask questions and receive answers freely. I went inwards “watching” asking myself, “Who was that”? the voice said, “We are not doing this anymore” when I said, “who was the we and what are we not doing anymore,” the voice went onto say, “We are no longer saying yes when we mean no” I thought to myself, I have”? it went onto say “You will use Truth as your compass but you must do this with the upmost compassion for your husband – because he will surely not understand.” I asked several other questions and I was shown how in the past I had been acting and why, I was in the now, present and shown my future too! I saw that I had not been speaking my truth for fear of conflict and a deep belief that I had to protect myself and others. This day changed my life! I saw that because of my personality, upbringing and conditioning I had grown up avoiding conflict at all cost and become a peacekeeper within my family. With this combination it showed me that I had learnt to manipulate and lie to create what I needed. Peace was my addiction and I would do anything to get it! Some might say that is a good thing but I was shown that I was not helping myself or others in any shape or form on this path, I had to change. I was not being honest or living in my truth, I was not truly happy. In not speaking my truth I was not bringing any awareness to my behaviour or that of others – in other words when I said Yes when I meant no just because I was afraid of an argument or not getting my needs met, there was no healing or resolution, usually I gave in and became resentful and a martyr! I resented things and therefore I could not truly love because resentment blocks the ability to love. I had been living my life on auto pilot! Eckhart Tolle says, “The initiation of the awakening process is an act of grace. You cannot make it happen nor can you prepare yourself for it or accumulate credits towards it. Whatever you do will be the ego trying to add awakening or enlightenment to itself as its most prized possession. So if there is nothing you can do about awakening, if it has either already happened or not yet happened, how can it be the primary purpose of your life? Only the first awakening, the first glimpse of consciousness without thought happens by grace, without any doing on your part. Once this happens the process has started and cannot be reversed, although it can be delayed by the ego. “With the Grace of awakening comes responsibility.” If my husband hadn’t interrupted my trance I was in in that moment I would not have had the conscious awareness of this inner voice, so you see that was GRACE in action, that was my moment to change. Most of us whether we remember or not have had times in our lives where we have been an observer of ourselves. Remember the times you reacted and even you were surprised by your actions, that was you observing yourself. That is consciousness. A State of being where you have become an observer of yourself. A watcher of the doer. It was time for me to step into my own truth and be responsible for my actions and choices. I became a detective in my own life. I needed to understand why I had been unable to deal with conflict and was addicted to peace. I needed to find out why I had such a fear when it came time to speak my truth. I had to be honest about my own actions and discover the truth of my behaviour; I had to become aware, this started my path towards consciousness. I could not ignore the “voice”. Like Eckhart says, “You can either try to go on as if nothing has happened or you can see its significance and recognize the arising of awareness as the most important thing that can happen to you.” This is what I decided to do! “Opening yourself to the emerging consciousness and bringing its light into this world then becomes the primary purpose of your life.” It is for this very reason that one starts down the path of becoming conscious. I often think about words and how they are perceived by all of us differently, as in the word TRUTH. Think about it – what is truth? Your truth, my truth, the truth, how do we know what the truth is? The truth is we don’t unless we are consciously aware of our thoughts and actions! I started speaking from “my truth” fearlessly, with compassion, knowing that it may not be “the” truth but how else was I going to find out my truth. I became very vulnerable and courageous. I was determined to find out why speaking my own truth was such a deep fear for me. When you become aware that your behaviour has been on auto pilot, (pre programmed) when you realize that you have lived in fear not love and not always acted towards others from a fearless, detached, compassionate place, you need to find out why. In my need for peace I was not honest. In discussions with others ie my husband, I would assess the situation and then I would decide how to respond, to get the outcome I wanted, which was peace. It didn’t matter whether it was truth, quite often it was not my truth. I didn’t have the courage to speak my truth for a deep fear of being met with anger and conflict and I must say not getting what I wanted at times either, whether that was for myself or others, I learnt to manipulate. It was a form of protection, I was keeping myself safe but also I was not taking personal responsibility for my own decisions and choices. Many of us do this especially women because this is what we watched our mother do. You may say that I was consciously thinking, but the truth is I was responding from my auto pilot settings. The ones I was taught and watched others use when I was a child. You see my father drank in the evenings. When he drank he became unconsciously unaware of his actions and it frightened us as kids. We couldn’t trust him so I learnt that when people stood up, raised their voices and generally overpowered me with their energy that I was in danger and couldn’t trust them. This became my “wounded ego” and how I acted in the world. I learnt as a child to make myself small, quiet and generally slink around so as not to wake the dragon so to speak. I handled conflict in my life exactly as I had watched people close to me handle it, ie mother and sisters, and let me tell you they were’nt exactly honest either, because we were all doing the same thing. If you don’t become a detective in your life and find out why you act the way you do you run the risk of living your whole life from your wounds of the past in either a passive or aggressive way and creating wars. Even the ones that did take the courageous road and spoke their truth and went into the conflict as children they didn’t fare well either, because it wasn’t safe. They were dealing with unconscious people too. I can assure you the results were not peace and not pretty so no wonder I learnt to avoid conflict. Even though I adored my father and we loved each other very much it didn’t matter because its what I watched as a child that moulded my beliefs. I now understood that if I want to be happy in who I am, I have to expose all my true colors and understand why I do the things I do. I had to become aware of my own behaviour. I made a choice to follow the voice and speak from my truth. This became my tool. I had to find out what my wounds from my past actually were and how was I going to heal them? I didnt have to learn my truth, I always knew what and how I wanted to say, but it was a story in my head that I was telling myself, that if I spoke my truth something bad would happen or I wouldn’t get what I needed. I would overthink, overanalyse the effects of speaking my truth and I would compromise myself. I would manipulate to get what I needed which was peace! The experiences of my life became my stories in my mind those then became my truth only not the truth. Once I became the detective in my life I figured this out and I was able to heal the stories of my childhood ie no more stories of how my communication was going to go down just in the moment truth. You see I believed that If I spoke my truth it was going to be bad but I discovered that I was wrong on most occasions. I suppose if it had always been safe for me to speak my truth then I would not have developed this programming. But because it wasn’t safe and I saw that growing up. So As an adult when I got into my own relationships, the damage had already been done. My stories in my head, my pre programming started to play out, the stories of my past and because I believed these stories to be true they became my realty. They became my wounded ego. In order to get back to truth you must use awareness to disidentify with your ego mind, your woundedness, it is not your truth; this is how the healing happens. If you believe the stories of your programming then that makes them true that then becomes your Wounded ego. Do you realize that you could be running your whole life from outdated beliefs and you may be approaching communication from completely the wrong angle and actually causing conflict, as I was! So you see being a peace keeper can actually create the very conflict you are trying to avoid. Do you know how you communicate? I have come to understand that every human being has two personalities. One being its true self and the other being its ego self. The ego self starts to develop within the child when there is a real or perceived threat to its survival. Think of it as an overprotective parent who lives in fear for that child. What happens is that as children we do not have the intelligence or understanding to deal with pain so we develop our “wounded ego’s, like an alternate personality “our big brother” that fights our battles for us. This you will see comes in the form of reaction when in communication in your life! These ego’s stay with us our whole life and determine how we act and communicate in the world. Unless we realize that we are wounded and acting from this place we will not know to change them or look at them or even realize that they exist. Unfortunately we decide that it’s just “our personality” it’s just the way we are, this is not so. If you do not have peace in your communication on either side it is because there is an unhealed wound. When we become detectives in our lives we finally understand what is going on within us, then we are on the road to happiness and peace. Once we have determined that our wounded egos are from pains of our past then and only then can we go into them and heal them so that they no longer control our lives. All too often we believe that in order for us to have a happy, peaceful life someone else needs to change, this as I discovered is not true! When you understand yourself to the level of this awareness then you will see that no one can affect you because you have become fearless to live in your own truth and this is what creates happiness and peace. You are ready to take on the full responsibility of your own life. I am a Consciousness Coach and this is my objective in my work and I’m passionate to help others discover the truth of themselves. We humans have become so codependent that it is at a dangerous level. Until we learn to live in our truth and allow others to live in theirs we will not achieve a peaceful existence and I believe if we want that in our world it needs to start with each one of us. If you ever are questioning how you are communicating just ask yourself are you coming from Love or Fear? If the answer is Fear then ask yourself, what are you afraid of? Be the detective in your own life and find out. Peaceful communication is a reality but it’s up to you! Chental Wilson-Consciousness Coach Author of – Can I Be Me without losing you? Excerpts take from A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle http://www.chentalwilson.com