"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
Jimmy Hendrix 1942- 1970
I felt I had a responsibility to write this book. I was so fascinated by my ability to watch my thoughts and actions during my journey to awareness that I wanted to write down my “Ah ha” moments in the hopes that my experiences would resonate with others and help them to become their authentic selves.
We believe others have to change first before we can step into our authentic self. I came to discover this wasn’t true. I didn’t have to wait for anyone to change for me to become me, what I believed, was stopping me from being me. This seems so obvious, but why do most of us still compromise ourselves for the love of another, believing that’s what we have to do?
Buy the book here. Or buy a Kindle copy here. But here is a teaser to get you started on the first chapter. Enjoy!
-Chental
CHAPTER 1: Why Did I Say Yes, When I Wanted to Say No?
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Song: “Change” by Tracey Chapman
Why did I say yes when I wanted to say no? Just to get my needs met? To create safety for my kids and myself? Is that what my mother did and taught me to do? Why didn’t I just speak my truth? Have I learned to manipulate and lie? Or was I simply just too afraid?
I don’t believe divorce happens because we drift apart and forget to do things together after the kids come along. It seems to me, as we become moms and wives, we adjust and take on roles based on what we learned from our mothers and what has been expected of women from centuries past. All those conditioned beliefs end up determining how our own life will unfold.
The truth is, I went underground and wore a mask to protect my children and myself. Right or wrong, I did what I did because that’s what I watched my mother do. She kept the peace and made sure everyone was happy: Dad, the kids, that was her job and she forgot about herself. That’s what I learned to do and on some level at some point: I agreed to it. Why wouldn’t I? What else did I know?
I remember spending a weekend with my sisters in 2000. One evening we went around the room asking each other the question: When are you at your happiest? My youngest sister answered first. She hesitated for a moment and then said, “When I’m painting.” I could tell a part of her almost felt ashamed to admit it, even if she didn’t know why, but this was her truth. My sister next to me (in age) and I gave the same answer, “When our family is happy, we’re happy.” I remember thinking, this is so cheesy and wrong. But I didn’t say anything. It was like being aware of something you had always thought, but now after hearing it out loud you didn’t agree with it anymore. My sister felt free to be happy doing something for herself and I hadn’t ever thought about that possibility before. As we finished up hearing from the other sisters, I could tell my youngest sister felt as though she was being judged, and perhaps, she was. I just remember how brave she was to be so honest in spite of her eight sisters. Perhaps at the time some of us weren’t even aware we weren’t being as brave, or perhaps we really believed it was enough for our families to be happy. Is that what we were taught? As the youngest sister, she was always accused of being selfish and spoilt when we all lived at home. Now, when I look back, she was the only one who didn’t take on our family’s conditioning. If it was encouraged, she rebelled against it.
We were good girls who listened, watched, and saw how our mother was. For most of her life she sacrificed herself for the happiness of her family - and that was exactly what we were all doing. Granted, we were all happy to be that way, but we were clueless in knowing there was any other way to be. Do you know that every night my mother went off to the pub with my dad when I was little? She left my younger sister and me alone, even though it was the last thing she wanted to do. She said yes when she wanted to say no.
Why didn’t she say no? She believed it would have upset our father. She believed he would have become angry and taken his anger out on her: or on us kids. So, what choice did she have? She went to the pub and left us kids to fend for ourselves. Can you imagine how hard that must have been for her? Knowing her little girls were terrified to be left alone? She had to make a choice and she believed this was the best one for us girls, so that’s what she did. She did it for us. That’s what I label prostituting ourselves to get what we need, be it for those we protect or ourselves. Perhaps her own mother did the same thing for the same reasons: and we did what we did because it’s the only way we knew as well.
I believed I couldn’t say no to my husband because I too believed he would get mad and take it out on the kids or me and then the whole house would be left in a mess. This was my job wasn’t it? To keep the peace and protect the kids? I thought so. My husband isn’t a violent man at all. He has never used physical force on me, our children, or anyone else for that matter. So you may ask, why was I afraid? When he raised his voice - that was enough for me. At times his energy filled the room with anger. This is what kept me from speaking my truth and it was enough to control me. This mirrored my father’s behaviour and this is when I learned to be controlled by a fear of confrontation.
It goes even deeper for me. I believe in past lives. I discovered, through past life regression, that I was killed for speaking out in one of my former lifetimes. So for me, the fear was even more intense. What I believe is this: we come into this world with wounded egos that need to heal (sometimes from previous lifetimes and some accumulated from this lifetime) and it’s our sole responsibility to be a detective in our own lives to find out what those wounds are in order to move forward.
I was fascinated to discover that I created my situations from my own behaviour and beliefs. Once I discovered this and grew conscious of my beliefs I could then change them, it seemed my husband would then have to make a conscious choice to accept my new way of being, as I had changed. I discovered that to become empowered was to simply embody the truth of who I am and I had to make the choice to step into all of me.
Ask yourself, how many times in your life have you said yes when you really wanted to say no? But because it would have upset your husband (or partner) and he may have taken that out on you or your kids - you just said yes to keep the peace. In the past, I would rather sacrifice myself than our children, so I would say yes when I wanted to say no.
Take sex... (For more purchase "Can I Be Me?")
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